Halloween Horror 2015 Report #1 Mexi-Monster, Haunted House and FISH F**CKERS!

HALLOWEEN MONTH is here. It's not a day, it's not a week, it's not just a holiday. IT IS MY MONTH OF OCTOBER.
Ahem...

Usually I cover each film I watch, but this year I'm just going to journal it when time allows, and so far it's been a globe trotting and splattery batch!  Onwards!

 Halloween Horror #1:  THE HAUNTING OF WHALEY HOUSE

I love movies from THE ASYLUM, and writer/director Jose Prendes gets to forgo Mockbusting, but Haunting Of Whaley House doesn't go far from the classic haunted house and goofy teens / semi pro ghost hunter model, and that is quite OK by me.  When a tour guide at the house has a woman spaz out after she sees a ghost with a "this house is so fucking haunted!!!" moment, she hangs with some pals who think that is pretty cool.  Against her supervisor's advice, she decides to go in the house after dark. "Their Time." And taunt the ghosts with a "Deeeez Nuts" kind of moment.  And...everyone is in deep shit.  While the first 2/3rds are good enough, the movie soars off into a tribute to Fulci, even though they DISS the mighty Lucio earlier, which I thought was kind of ironic.  The ghosts go gore all over the silly kids, and it's good fun.  What makes the film memorable is the final 10 minutes, which has an obvious, but cleverly done little payoff about what happens when you cross into THE BEYOND.  And hey, you get an extended cameo by Lynn Lowry! Worth it for that alone.

Halloween Horror #2:  FRIGHT HOUSE

Released on disc as a perk for Exploitation.TV backers on Indiegogo, and also viewable on the streaming service HERE, this Len Anthony late 80s obscurity is incredibly bizarre, headstompingly incoherent in spots and superbly entertaining.  Containing one of two films only, it runs under an hour, but you'll be glad you took the time to visit this Fright House.  There are multicolored monks with low hanging tits and swords, a story that has flashbacks, Al Lewis (pay attention to his character name and then wonder how ANYONE could not notice it being said about 80 times during one scene), hair that is...of the era, and it's going to please the hell out of people, like me, that can watch the ultra extended BOARDINGHOUSE version multiple times.  I'm not sure if I can even call it a complete film, more like the good parts with exposition unfilmed for something that was supposed to be coherent and scary. Instead we are left with something that is like a VERY SPECIAL episode of the old Friday The 13th show. With boobs. I loved it.

Halloween Horror #3: NIGHT OF THE BLOODY APES

If you don't think a movie about a crimson masked wrestling woman in Mexico that stumbles across a plot to put an ape heart in a mad scientists lukemia stricken son's body which turns him into an evil minded lady humping ApeFaced creature because her opponent that she nearly killed ends up getting chopped to bits to fuel the monster sounds GREAT, then we may have a problem. And the thing is, it is great. The pacing is perfection, the dialog is the perfectly dubbed slab of nonsense and weirdness and you even get some wrestling!  While the gore won't shock or horrify, and there is nary a fright to be found, just read that first sentence again.  It's all about the audacious plot and silly cartoon violence both in and out of the ring that keeps me coming back to Rene Cardona's sort of remake of his own DOCTOR OF DOOM!  Perfect Halloween Salsa with a side of schlock.

Halloween Horror #4:  THEY BITE

Brett Piper is a favorite, but for sheer tits out and Ron Jeremy'd exposition, you can't beat INVASION OF THE FISH FUCKERS (which is actually in the film, but you'll have to see why on your own!)  That we live in a world where Criterion has not produced a 4 Blu Ray set dedicated to this film is a sad indictment of modern times.  So, get this. When a porn director only out to make a classic bit of the bang/bang in a seaside motel ends up getting a package with his name on it full of what appears to be monster movie stills, but are actually crime scene pictures of an amphibious love nature, it turns out he shares a name with a cute ichthyologist. The two Mel Duncan's are thrust into a world where fishmen are rampaging! Sucking...and THEY BITE!  There is lots of fun dialog to be sure, but the star are the creatures and their goofy rampage as the ragtag batch of characters attempt to solve the mystery of what...WHAT... is happening.  And there is a kick ass vagina monster too!  This one was covered in Fangoria, and thanks to Evil Monk #1 years later, I was able to see it. Love it. Worship at the foot of THEY BITE!  It's a Halloween staple and while it remains elusive, video hunters will be well rewarded by it's chompy charms.

Clickity Click, QUEEN CRAB has arrived!

You know, it's really a good sign for any movie when MARK POLONIA shows up as a scientist to explain that crabs eat anything. Seriously. It is. LOOK!

QUEEN CRAB is coming from Wild Eye Releasing, and here at Cinesludge HQ, we surely do love director / effects maestro and all around monster maniac Brett Piper's films.  Filmed in 2012, it's about time that this Polonia Brothers Entertainment film hops out of the pot and into your DVD players.  My love for Guy N. Smith crab books is boundless (here, check out my massive tribute, CRUSTACEAN DOMINATION)--so I was doubly excited to see Piper's name attached because who else would have the balls to make a stop motion MegaCrab in this day and age?

FLASHBACK!  Melissa is a little lonely on her parents remote home that doubles as idyllic rural harm / super science center.  Wait..what?  Well, Dad is working on a solution to world hunger by making some big old mutant foods.  But what happens when the little girl befriends a crab, name PEE WEE no less, and she feeds said crab with some mutated fruit?  Well, it takes a while, but after her parents get blown up (!) Melissa becomes the most beautiful grumpy GET OFF MY LAND neighbor I've seen in ages. AND she has kept Pee Wee through thick and thin and gigantism!  Now going by the moniker GOLIATH, it turns out that we have a rural town with a secret in the lake. A giant crab dropping eggs...  Now, toss in some of the funny characters that Piper does so well, from a goofball deputy, a funny sheriff that definitely doesn't buy into Bulldozer Cults, an exploitation cinema actress come home to see her best friend that gets into kung fun laden battles outside bars and and of course the flip side of grumpy land owners with a cigar chompin' mama that takes no shit.  It's a mess over on Crabbe Creek Road, and Queen Crab is coming to stomp some fools that kill her babies!  But, can she survive against the force of tanks and planes the locals have in their back pocket?  Hah...watch.

The strength of Queen Crab is double clawed, first you have the awesome effects Piper does so well, as QC smashes around and just looks awesome at every turn.  This is almost a given, and even though the occasionally deliriously sketchy CGI jumps in for a plane on occasion, the film looks great all the way through.   I'll go a LONG way for a good monster, but when the script is up to the task of keeping the characters fun and interesting then it's b-movie magic.  From discussing Egg White sandwiches, Post Hole Digger Cults, to engaging in epic faux driving scenes, the cast has fun with the material and it's infectious.

"Let me get this straight, your best friend is a giant crab??"

A groovy throwback, Queen Crab celebrates the monstrous clicking of crab claws and is lifted up by a script that is executed the right way at every turn.  You'll growl when QC does, you'll laugh when Kathryn Metz throws down as Z grade actress Jennifer Kane, and eagle eyed viewers will even spot Mark Polonia's video collection, including FEEDERS in the background.  A good time for all...  You are gonna need one big ass pat o' butter to cover all the tasty fun QUEEN CRAB delivers!