Halloween Horrors 5 - Cross Of Seven Jewels

I love werewolf movies, and Cross Of Seven Jewels, which appears to be the kamikazze Eurotrash Cinema mission of producer, director and star Marco Antonio Andolfi , is indeed a werewolf film. Now, I could tell you it was great, but I'd be better served to tell you that I really love it. I've paid more attention to Cross Of Seven Jewels than I have in The Exorcist and all the Nightmare On Elm Street sequels combined in the last five years.
A sort of boneheaded charm keeps the film going during it's tedious stretches as the one man hit squad on good taste Andolfi charges headlong in to not only wasting Annie Belle, Gordon Mitchell and Giorgio Ardisson in small roles, but managing to give the Japanese fits as they try to hide his dangling wolf dong!! 

Mario is a rather luckless fellow who arrives in Milan thinking he has the hottest cousin in the world-but it turns out that his hopes are dashed quickly as he gets robbed right away, and the titles cross is stolen off his neck. The problem is that the cross controls his lycanthropic curse!  Oh shit!!!  Well, for some reason this cross criss crosses the entire underworld of the city and Mario just keeps following the trail to retrieve it.  But hey, I'd rather it stayed lost, because he transforms in to the crummiest 1/3 werewolf, 2/3 moderately semi-fit nude Italian guy that swings his sausage and claws all over the screen. Chasing, slashing and S L O W L Y transforming every night. 

Dammit! His "cousin" is just a plant as well.  But you would think there was an upside, and there is for the viewer. Mario has weirdly cut and animated flashback/flashforward/flashsideways moments that feature what appears to be a gummi bear that feel on the set of a Naschy film and picked up a little bit of residual hair, yet none of the talent of the make up people it was near.  Yeah, the bearwolf with the spinning psychotropic whirlygig effect ROCKS me. I love it. Not in a "I'm a gumball machine and I can crack jokes" way at all. I love it because it is the very reason Andolfi made the movie. He didn't make it well, but he made it exactly as he wanted to.  Oh, and he kicks a bunch of ass and gets laid and the movie ends. 

This is real trash cinema friends, the pacing is really off in spots and you'll wonder when things will get rolling...and then Gordon Mitchell starts glowering at YOU and the gummi beast arrives and the naked werewolf guy stands awkwardly like a rushed Mike Ploog panel inked by nobody whose name we would know to finish a job and Annie Belle's nipples pound at her sweater.  It may be ragged around the edges, but this is the type of film I'll hold on to as tightly as the disintegrating T-Shirt I wore when my son was born.  Andolfi really likes Naschy movies and shows that everyone really can't make one, but trying gets you a lot of points on my Werewolf Dong-O-Meter and he sure puts forth everything he has. 

We can pick at it...but don't be a "Damned little fat head!" and miss it!

Halloween Horrors 4 - Piranha Part Two - The Spawning

Face it, it is hard to screw up a movie about flying fish that devour people, right? Well, producer / director Ovidio Assonitis proves that rule here with the chunkily titled Piranha Part Two - The Spawning.  I'm easy when it comes to Creature Features, and this one is quite pleasing as a night with fangs rending flesh! While the film will get stuck in the pop culture position of being "that movie James Cameron was fired from" the story on both that and the film itself are more interesting.  You can read up on the soggy saga of a young director, a bottom line oriented Italian producer and late night B&E editing sessions at this link from Entertainment Weekly. 
So what do we have here?  Well, I'd say it is a gory nature running berserk flick that would test the limits of Guy N. Smith's prose to put across flying piranha that eat vacationing morons and burst out of their bodies!
I like that already.

Anne Kimbrough (Tricia O'Neil, who looks like Adrienne Barbeau minus a few distinctive features) is a marine biologist working for the weekends as a diving instructor at Club Elysium. When one of her students gets chomped up by some fish that make a sound like a vacuum cleaner on speed she is in hot water with the local Police Chief-which also happens to be her slightly estranged husband Steve.   Toss in a rogue biologist that may have some answers about the flying super piranha and you have a plot. Stir in a kids of the leads romantic subplot that feels like tossing The Blue Lagoon in to the mix and a few little storylines for horny older ladies on the prowl and some delightfully hot boaters that are there for nudity provisions and nerd taunting.  Boy, we sure did love nerd taunting in the 80s! 

The finale gets good and gooey and fish fly and blood sprays all over the screen.  I also learned that Lance Henrikson, no matter what his age in a film, is always awesome and his presence as a cranky or evil guy is always welcome on my screen.  There is an excellent moment when he decides to jump in to the water and save his son before everything explodes around them. Problem--he is flying a helicopter which he abandons (yikes) and then said 'copter crashes in to the sea and randomly explodes!!  Only Lance could pull off the face he needed to have while jumping out of that door...

Overall this is a lot of fun and Piranha Part 2 - The Spawning is a tiny gold mine for European Trash Cinema fans as well.  Assonitis brings a lot of Italian shock to the proceedings and not only do we have special effects by Giannetto AND Gino De Rossi but shock master Maurizio Trani is also on hand!  The Piranha themselves are a treat, flying about on wires and somehow losing the sticks from the original film-but the havoc the wreak is even better. Bloody squirting wounds that would be equally impressive if they were happening in a House By The Cemetery instead of a resort vacation spot abound.  This alone makes it worth a watch in my opinion!  To up the Eurotrash quotient there is a nifty score by Stelvio Cipriani that goes from overblown violins and violence and features an excellent bit of music and editing magic when a trip in to an old wrecked boat underwater is mixed between a distorted divers ear perspective and gets punched up with a piercing strings section for the chomping predators.

 It's gory...it's silly and it features one of my favorite nature bites back moments near the big slaughter sequence.  Witness as a bunch of oafish characters and goofy extras march towards the sea saying WE WANT FISH...WE WANT FISH and then are promptly attacked, chomped, devoured and invaded by the creatures they were looking to eat.  If it doesn't bring a smile to your face, I don't know what will.   

Halloween Horrors 3 -Caltiki The Immortal Monster

Caltiki is one of my favorite black and white monster films, and I'm happy to say that it works just as well in 2010 as it does in 1959.  While it is not the most unique monster film you'll ever see, given that we have 51 years of cinema between here and there, it has interesting characters, a groovy monster given life by MARIE FOAM (Mario Bava never had a better name, not even John Old beats this), outdated cultural bits about the proper behavior of men and women and a psycho performance from Gerard Herter as the chomped and evilly altered Max.

Quickly put, Caltiki is an ancient god monster that is discovered by a team of archeolgists by accident. Of course, there are signs that things are going to go sour here.  We have love quadrangles that include some really screwed up interpersonal politics, jealousy, jutting bosoms and square jaws and even better, a dopey member of the crew spies on a superb bit of native dancing.  All that nets our spy, who is warned that it is bad mojo to do so, is being derezzed by Caltiki in a rather shocking manner!  After scummy and lusting Max gets attacked by Caltiki our hero John (John Merivale) does the sensible thing. Bring the blob to his house (with his wife and child) and try to see if Gamma Rays do anything to it. In a Pre-Hulk world, I guess nobody would know what can happen!  Max goes nuts!  Stalking! Blobbish Devouring!! More Jutting Bosoms!! 

Directed by Ricardo Freda and with cinematography and effects (and some direction) by Mario Bava, this is an outstandingly presented chiller that manages to mix the subtle and spooky with the sudsy burbling blobboid frolics.  The underwater sequence that leads to the "skeleton in the suit" reveal still gets me sucked in faster than you can say Mexican Monster Devours Max (see image below) and I'm in awe of how much comic book frame perfection there is in some shots.  I'd love to see this adapted by Neil Vokes in inkwash someday, there are even a few Bobby T haircuts to use!  It's been said before, and I'll say it once more. CALTIKI is a rockin' blob that will delight any monster fan.  Get it. Love it!

Halloween Horrors 2 - It's Alive 3-Island Of The Alive

I always slap myself at the "here comes the finish" during a Larry Cohen film. The guy is just GOOD. A good writer with an excellent sense of pace and exploitation action that mixes with comedy, drama and rubber suit mayhem, he takes his popular IT'S ALIVE series in a lot of directions with the second sequel, Island Of The Alive.  Funny directions. Dramatic directions.  And oh yes, gory directions.

Michael Moriarity stars as the mildly insane and really appealing as a sorta kinda heroic asshole ex-actor and "father of the monster" Stephen Jarvis.  After he pleads for his son's life in a courtroom drama that includes a rubber monster growling at Macdonald Carey (!!) the remaining monster babies, who we see are hunted and shot on sight now, are sent to an island to live out their lives. Only a few little problems. They procreate??  They grow really fast! And, if you go looking for them you find a gruesome fate awaits. The little buggers are vicious and will chomp your face clean off before you even see them!
The film doesn't really follow them all that much, instead we follow Stephen Jarvis down a horrible spiral as he can't get laid thanks to his noteriety as a freak birther-so he gets hoodwinked in to writing a book about his experiences, which just alienates him from his ex-wife, played by Karen Black.  Her life isn't any easier.  Hiding out and then being blackmailed for sex by a scuzzy co-worker, she has to eventually find her way to help her twisted progeny.
And this is just the start. Summarizing Island Of The Alive would be exhausting. Jarvis ends up on an expidition to the island, where he fucks with EVERYONE, then ends up on a boat with cannibal creatures, then goes to CUBA and gets messed with and THEN finds his way back to the US in a wonderfully silly turn of events and THEN...the final showdown.  Will IT remain alive? Will love conquer.  Will you see a monster baby breast feed a smaller monster baby?  Oh yes...you have to watch.

This film is pure exploitation film fun that doesn't skimp on Cohen getting his licks in on corrupt systems while making perfectly entertaining monsters and mayhem along the way.  Somehow a dinner scene where Jarvis realizes how screwed up his life is as he hands out his "father of the monster" business card is equal to a group of hapless hunters being chomped in ShakeOVision.  I found myself rooting for Jarvis and his baby! I was hoping that he could win back his ex-wife!  I was completely absorbed by the characters and found the monsters to be a fun side story.  While it is not the best of the series, because I think the first is just fantastic, this is a great monster movie that feels like a primer on what Direct to Video sequels should be. An enhancement of the concepts that hurls out any fear of success and runs with the success the films before it have ensured.
I really enjoyed the jump to stop motion effects in some scenes as well. No Rick Baker here, but the babies and there advanced state are nifty to look at and watching them skitter around is ghoulishly interesting.  The foley work for the monster baby voices is excellent as well...chilling. Gross. To much like real babies. Gone feral. Ugh.

Special love for Micheal Moriarity and his sea borne singing shanty skills, which must have been ad-libbed, and his ability to make me believe in Jarvis while laughing at him all the while.
You may have seen the 3 film It's Alive budget release. Grab it, this is great October viewing.

Halloween Horrors 1 - Demons 6 -- De Profundis

I love to watch movies by Luigi Cozzi, because not only are the movies a lot of fun, but they are obviously made with the zeal of a horror and fantasy film fanatic.  Like many others, it seems that Cozzi got sick of waiting for Dario Argento to finish his Three Mothers trilogy, so he took it upon himself to give it a shot of sorts. Part tribute, part continuation and all Cozzi Crackle Cosmicness-De Profundis is a great snapshot of the end of 1980s horror films coming out of Italy. 

 
After a Suspiria styled Giallo opening (??) is revealed to be a movie within a movie we meet our leads, Anne and Marc. The pair are a popular actress and her director husband who is dubbed "king of the spaghetti thrillers" by his critics. Luckily for us, they both work in the horror genre and can seemingly accept almost any horror oriented plot twist Cozzi throws at them!  Things aren't going great on the set of Anne's current film where she gripes about the director being an "all he wants is blood, blood and more blood' filmmaker.
Marc is working on getting his new project off the ground-and luckily for him he has found a great character...LEVANA the third mother!  Dario Argento gets mentioned, as does Suspiria (what, no love for Inferno?)-and Goblin even graces the soundtrack for a few notes...EVERY TIME ARGENTO is mentioned.

The story twists and turns with some character struggling as Caroline Munro wiggles about in a garter belt and black bra and panties combo, which is always nice.  There are double crosses and our loving director isn't perhaps as nice as you would think he is.  But that isn't what we showed up for is it?  Levana the REAL witch decides that she does not want a film made about her legacy, since ARMAGEDDON is apparently on the way as the cosmic fields and floating babies in the film would suggest. She stalks and terrifies Anne, blows up terrified hearts (WOOHAW, this is a great Contamination flashback), and even Brett Halsey as an evil producer character that loves stories that can be told in four pages. Levin? Levana?  oooooooooOOOOOOO! Spooky!

Just when you think the characters can't survive another weird twist in the plot or song by Bang Tango--we get a quirky Omen-esque finale with some glowing baby eyes. And Armageddon closes in on us all!!

This is a very fun little film, one that certainly doesn't want for big ideas!  It reminds me of Lamberto Bava's Prince of Terror in a lot of ways, using the trials and tribulations of the Italian horror genre directors working in troubled times for the industry to set up a horror story that fits exactly with the films being made 5 or 6 years prior.  It also actually fits well with the "Demons" tag it has in front of it...with glowing Cozzi Crackle (yeah, it ain't quite Kirby, but...I like it), dripping goo sliding past rubber lips, inappropriate sexual advances, Heavy Metal death sequences, a slapdash of influences from American films, a character screaming a villains name over a shot of EARTH (Cozzi Crackle, say it with me) and much much more.  If you love your films fast paced and don't care if people get freaked out by the refrigerator exploding and then walking away from it like nothing happened, this one is for you! 

There is one little detail I found REALLY fun in this film, and I would wager you would need to be a real obsessive Cozzi nut to pick up on it. Luckily, there are a few of us.  At one point Anne is reading Marc's script to find out about Levana. She is doing this in front of a mirror and talking. Well, they show the script, but it isn't a dummy she is supposed to read and we hear the parts of the script. IT IS THE SCRIPT TO THE MOVIE WE ARE WATCHING.  Anne's lines are there to read instead of what she is saying!  Awesome. Awesome. Awesome.

The cast is excellent, and while they aren't delivering the most terrifying of Science Fiction, Horror, Giallo hybrid scripts, they all do their best. Urbano Barberini plays Marc with all the scenery chomping one would hope for. Personally, I love the Zinny family connection he brings, because Karl and Veronica are some of my favorite 80s faces in Italian trash!  Then we get Florence Guerin in the lead role of Anne AND Caroline Munro as the wicked woman of horror cinema who wants to "put it" to Marc. For the role of Levana that is.  It was a kick seeing Brett Halsey, who was also working with Fulci and Franco at the time, as the angry producer slash cosmic ubervillain. Even in 1989, this was a good cast of stars that could practically be in the film made in the opening sequence.  Also notable is Michele Soavi as the Argento like director, though frankly I can't understand why Argento himself wouldn't do it.  The film is a tribute to the guy, it would have taken a day I'd imagine. 

The Japanese VHS of the film is interesting as well. It looks like it is taken from a damaged film print, with abundant scratches and marks almost every other minute.  This doesn't help the editing, which bounces between "rapid fire" and "slapdash" and "oh man I'm working with 40 year old equipment and can't get anything to work right" moments continuously.  It is a little bit off putting at first, but as the movie chugs along, I really started to like the SLAM feeling it was creating.  Piero Bozza isn't a slouch, working on the Demons films and later Lamberto Bava's FANTAGHIRO series, so I'll chock it up as some directed Cozzi Crackle and intentional weirdness! 

You don't NEED to see this, but any fan of the 80s Italian horror films should find lots to like and enjoy a trip from the fringes of faux cheap giallo films to cosmic crunch!

Bonus BANG TANGO! The end credits of De Profundis run over this slab of 80s awesome!  It isn't quite Demons quality, but I bet it was cheaper than Accept!